In some ways, I always feel like a newborn. Never confident with any knowledge. I learn things from everyone; observing, analysing, testing. Seeing how others do things. I heard a quote once.. knowledge is just making a decision based on experience. I had to present something at work today. A quick two minutes in front of people that I know well, yet my hands were shaking.
I had sex with a woman. Sure she taught me a few things about sex but it’s the emotional connection that she is really showing me how to do. I can’t believe how much I have closed myself off. I forgot how it is to compliment someone or be complimented. How to feel someone.
Last episode of the last season of Mad Men tonight. Stan tells Peggy over the phone that he’s in love with her. In the two minute call, she realises that she is too. How can she be so blind to her own feelings exactly like I am. I know I fall in love with everybody so I choose to close it all off and bind it up in a Japanese binding shoe to fester. Fuck it. I’m going to fall in love, flirt, make out and try to make as many people as I feel like, to feel good. Not just sex and pleasurable orgasms but to really feel good in the bones. Bring out the best in people. That’s what I want to do. In doing that, I may find the goodness in me.
finerays 