It’s been a year and three days. How did it turn from a drunken mistake to a fling to the real thing. I’m in love with you and love you. It feels as a temporary fog and a fresh dew in the early morn yet also an eternal kernel as if you were born with me and have always been there.
I can’t run away from you or any problems we have because you push me to confront the uncomfortable parts. When something is off between us and we both sense it, I’m the one who runs away to put a little “x” next to your name in my head. So if more gather then I know it’s time to get rid of you. But you, you open up to me and tell me that you don’t feel right and we talk about it until it heals over again with a few stitches here and there to make it stronger. These conversations stick with me so that space where an “x” would be is also a stitch and can’t be filled with anything negative.
I met a friend last week who has been through some very tough times which resulted in a double mastectomy. She talked about Fundamental Relationship Problems. eek. She has been with her boyf for three years and has said that she sees her future as just herself on her own. She wants to get married, he doesn’t. or at least, not to her. I don’t know why they don’t break it. How many “x”s can there be before they become exes.
After that I did start thinking about my Fundamental Relationship Problems. I have my own personal issues that I try to cut and run at any hint of disaster or boredom, but together I think we have a good thing, with no large issues looming. We’ve talked about the big things like babies and what we want from life.
But you never really know how people may change or how you yourself may change. And I calm my analytical mind with the idea and fact that it’s a choice that I can make everyday and so does he; to stay close to one another, help one another and get deeper entwined. So I secretly hope I’m not ignoring any warning signs of Problems but that in fact there may not be any Fundamental ones, just regular ol’ issues of dealing with other people. This will be the first time for me that I haven’t felt them so I should just stop fucking analysing and relax with the happiness I feel. Thank you my guy for being you.
finerays 